Thursday, 16 March 2017

I didn't come this far, only to come this far!

I don't really know where to begin with this other than, denial is a bitch! I started off the year with the 'New Year New Me' mindset which up until very recently I believed I was following. I had turned a new leaf and was trying to get back into a rhythm I didn't realise I had fallen out of. Everything came to a head last Sunday when I stood in front of my bedroom mirror in my 'old' cycling kit. Just like how I'd imagine a wrecking ball hits, I immediately sobered up and the rose tinted glasses shattered.

In my head, I've been keeping my head well above water. I run 8km every Wednesday morning with my friend, I do parkrun on Saturday but only when I'm around. I've started Yoga at work. I stopped going to Weight Watchers and Bootcamp as I felt everything would naturally fall back under control while I trained for the Paris Marathon - which will be my 10th marathon.

On one hand I was looking forward to the challenge of getting back out on the road clocking up the miles and long distance run, building myself back up to take on 42.2km in April. On the other hand, as the weeks passed and the countdown grew smaller and smaller, I never let go of the Paris dream. On Sunday, as I stared at my reflection wondering 'What happened? Where did the time go?', I knew the time had come to have a proper conversation with myself.
I've always believed in SMART goals (specific, measurable, achievable, realistic and time bound) yet here I was with the notion that Paris was still a possibility. In my head I know its not realistic for someone to run a marathon when the longest run they've done in preparation is 10km. Yes I could run/walk/crawl to the finish line but where is the achievement in that? I know I can run one, I know I can do it in a time I'd be proud of and why should I compromise that?

So here I am... My very first DNS (Did Not Start). I didn't even make it to France let alone the start line! I cancelled my hotel reservation and realised I've lost out on the experience of running the 2017 Paris Marathon. Of course I'm disappointed with myself but this was entirely of my own making. No one stopped me going to bootcamp, no one hid or sabotaged my training plan. I have to accept responsibility for the fact I am where I am today because of the choices I made (or didn't make).

On Tuesday, I took the first (baby) step back in the right direction and I went back to Weight Watchers. I've always believed in the power of taking even a small step in the right direction. I didn't come this face to only come this far. My story won't be 'Remember that guy who lost the weight, ran a few marathons and then put it all back on again' - thats where I'm heading if I don't stop this weird funk I'm in right now. Every week I'm going to change just one thing - this week it was going back to Weight Watchers, next week I'll head back to Bootcamp because what I've been doing hasn't been working - the proof isn't in the pudding!

Thursday, 5 January 2017

When the going gets tough...!

Disclaimer: If you are looking for an inspirational weight-loss post, I'm afraid this isn't going to be it. This also isn't a pity post, I just wanted to come back online and write out how I'm feeling as I've always found this blog a great way for me to be accountable to myself. 

I have been absent from the blog for the past two months - Here's a quick overview: I ran the Dublin City Marathon at the end of October, went to New York on holidays, celebrated my birthday, enjoyed the run up to Christmas, still went out for a few runs, stopped going to weigh-ins, fell off the wagon, ate, drank and partied. It was all fun and games until this Tuesday just gone (Jan 3rd), when I went back to work and back to Weight Watchers for my first class in seven weeks.

I was up 13lbs. That's 13lbs on top of the small weekly weight-gains that had been creeping on in the latter half of the year but I hadn't really been paying attention to. This meant, as I stood on the scale on Tuesday evening looking at my weight: 15st 2lbs I've realised that I've only let myself down, I've slipped up badly!

The pic on the left (above) was taken in June this year just after I crossed the finish line after the Waterford Marathon with a PB (3:46). The pic on the right was taken at the Fields of Athenry 10K on Stephen's Day. I actually don't even know what to say - I'm annoyed with myself. I'm disappointed that I let myself slip so far backwards while at the same time I was aware of what I was doing along the way.

Not only have I been carrying around extra pounds, I've also been battling big time with a negative mindset/attitude towards myself - both of which have been weighing me down in more ways that one. The funny thing is, I know exactly what I would say to a friend in the same boat but for some reason, I don't know why I can't tell myself. 

The fact that I've done it before (lost weight) doesn't make this any easier. I've said before and I'll say it 1000 times: The first pound is as hard to lose as the last. Unfortunately Losing weight doesn't mean that it's gone forever and on the same hand, gaining weight also doesn't mean its forever! If there is one thing I know to be true, its the power of starting now and taking things one step at a time. I'm not going to stare half way down the corridor at where I was, I'm going to focus on the next step. 

On Tuesday I faced the scale. Yesterday I laced up and went out for my first run of the year. Today I'm facing you guys with the blog. I know there is no quick fix solution. I know I'm not happy heading in the direction I've been heading in so thats why I'm dusting myself off, turning myself around and focusing on just taking the next step.

First Run of 2017... 5K in the bag!